我的执著 我的眼泪 :(

是时候放下执著了吗？

但是，一旦放下了，就代表我输了吗？

我无法接受这种压迫感，我不愿屈服，我不想被击倒。

我想离开这记忆，但却不被允许 ,

而被迫都留在一个让我痛苦难堪的地方。

我害怕了一个人的面对 ...

当那些话传入我耳里的时候 眼泪 ... 还是留不住了。

纵使那些都不是难听的话 ... 但，依然受伤了。

我不想哭，我不愿哭，我不想释放脆弱，

但，我的勇气，却已不知去向 ......

我不想让眼泪成为我伤痛的佐证，一点都不愿意。

楼梯间的宁静，让我尝试没收眼泪。

然而，你们的出现，你们的问题，却还是让我禁不住了 ......

我以为我可以独自勇敢面对，原来我不行 ......

我需要拥抱，我需要安慰 ......

而那刺耳的话，却让我变得更清醒。

同时，也让我变得更胆怯。

我开始质疑自己，我到底是谁？

我问我自己，为什么连我自己都不认识我自己了？

心中只有莫名的恐慌和害怕，却只有天知道我有多么的需要依靠。

那瞬间，身边的一切仿佛变得透明。

身在人群里，却感到百般落寞。

我的不安，谁能解开？

没人懂，没人了解 ......

我，只能掩饰一切。

Y: 只要一想到那些话，我就想哭了 ="(

Laziness Got Into Me (:

***
tonight's gonna be a good night xD

lelele , i'm just saying , it may be good or bad , i can't control =)

i'm now abit lazy , there are tonnes of homework waiting for me .

but i refuse to touch it now , hahahaha .

LAZY !!

who said that form4 is a honeymoon year ?

tell those people go suicide can jor .

lol , damn tired almost everyday , but i'm getting used to it already , hahaha .

books books books ,,,words words words ,,, exam exam exam !!!

my life , aihhh ~ i'll enjoy it then xD

wee wee weee , new year is coming soon !!

yeaii yeaii , have planned quite many activities i guess .

but will that all be implemented then i duno ad lurrr .

heeeee , hanging outs , visit to friends' house , BBQ too ! ^^

just PLAN ~~~~~

XD

but i hope that i will not be dumped into the books hill before that , because my february test will be held at 21th february ~~ sobbing ***

it's still chinese new year lol !

sei piku principal TT

i have to study earlier than that so that i can enjoy my new year , but , LAZY !!!!

yesterday night just hang out with friends , hohoho ~

as mall + pasar malam .

mam mam , gai gai , walk pasar malam till nothing back , went into the mall for shopping .

tada ! hahahah , know what ? just shiok , this RM119 o.o

she also joined ! XD

alin said we were in the fitting room for half an hour o.o

got so long mer ?

hahahah ! ^^

back around 11pm , with fooooddd xD

thanks for ah dar's daddy for sending me back =D

end here , gotta dump into booookss again !!!

finish all homeworks ?

God Bless Me (:

Y: i'm getting into you ? :p

一个人 x）

是我作茧自缚，想不开，放不开吗？

还是说，这一切其实都是事实？

前者才是答案，对吧？

这几天，我都一个人走。

我希望在我一个人的时候，脑子会更清晰地去分辨一些事情。

但是，一个人，却让我发现自己已经不是自己了。

我怎么了吗？

觉得，自己仿佛只是为了别人而活着。

穿着不是自己的衣服，一双不是自己的鞋子，就连自己的性格，我快分不清了。

我是真心的喜欢这样的自己吗？我不懂。

突然，我对自己感到好陌生 ......

而这种感觉，很难受。

我已经不是那个自己，打从那一刻起，我，不是了。

当初这个选择，是对的吗？

觉得眼前一切，都好模糊 ......

“一旦拥有一切，却开始害怕失去了。”

那种感觉，真的好不安心。

我始终得不到原因，一个合理的原因。

顺其自然？但，我无法视而不见。

总是执著于一些事情，反而让自己更难受。

嘴里说得容易，“就放下吧”，但我可以那么轻而易举地做到吗？

好难 ......

依赖，已成了习惯。

然而，它只会让我变得更脆弱。

但是我戒不掉了，不过却想让自己更勇敢一些。

我又该怎么做了？

我不想变得那么懦弱不堪，我也想要有面对事情的勇气，

而不是一个什么都要被别人保护着的自己。

我需要勇气 ......

这几天，就是一个人。=）

Y: 这是这几天以来的心情，想太多了吧？

i WON in the fight with a COW =D

da lalala ~

today is a nice day x)

yyy ?

sleeeep till shiok shiok , online till shiok shiok .

yyy ?

today is thursday ! tomorrow is friday ! hah !

== wu liao ...

tis afternoon yar , when walking back home , a BIG FAT COW appeared in my sight .

oh ma , it was beside the big drains , and i was opposite that .

at first , my friends and i thought nothing much of it , but when we soon get near to it ......

IT TEND TO MAKE A DASH TO US !!!

we screamed our lungs out ! we don't even dare to step forward TT

sei cow , how come suddenly appeared there ?

it looked like the cow which provides us milk , hah !

but it appeared beside the paddy field ==

fortunately there's a big drain between us and the cow !

it can't attack us it can't come to us it can't get near to us , hurray !

still standing there ? RUN LAH !!

hahahah ! with the screaming and our heavy school bags xD

some students who cycled along there were being shocked too !

hah ! i'd better not to turn my head back and look at the cow anymore .

who knows if it really get across the drain !?

my house is in front of me , RUN !! hahahaha ! ^^

what a narrow escape ~~~~ XD

huu ~ although last night i slept that early , but i'm still sleeeeepy ~~

hahaha , maybe is because the last last night i slept too late , and now i still haven't take it over .

heee , so tis afternoon i got into sleeeeep veli fast !

hah ! faster than usual , and ...

today my talking was really so chim meh ?

xD

soon ...

i was awakened at 5.30pm .

but i was not feeling like getting up , and soon ...

i got into sleeeep again ! muahahah !

until the call of an alien came , then i just got up .

ah ! forgot to wake him up !

7.45 already =X

ah suan niao ......

hmm , what to do later ?

piano practising ? continue online ? homework ? tuition homework ? oral preparing ? peka ? exam essay ? movie watching ?

huu ~ confusing confusing confusing .......

lelele ~

don't do anything can ?

hah ~ i'm too lazy to get into the busy of time .

i wanna get free free free free free !

tuition lah , homework lah , revision lah , piano exam lah , school february test lah !

everyday's time is so full ~~

full of EXCITEMENT to get into THOSE . ==

however , i'm now going to think about what i gotta do later !

BOI BOI ! mwahhh =D

Y: i'm getting abit abnormal today o.o xD

Is to Scold , Is to Cry x[

last nite 3am , this morning 8am crawl up duno for what , awake by myself .

maybe is because my Gigi fell down to the floor i guess , heee .

aha , i dreamt my piano teacher scolded me for not practising .

this morning fortunately din kena when piano lesson .

fiu ~~ hahaha .

when lesson , i was totally not paying attention .

teacher said C major , i played C# major ; teacher said B major , i played Bflat ~

SWEAT .

exam pieces lagi teruk ~

i don't wanna say about that , disappointed with myself .

haihh ~

continue practising ba ~~

abit stressful for that , as i have to do lots of homeworks this year .

tuition ones , school ones ...

almost every tuition got homework , zhadao ~

and some problems that i had with myself .

i'm definitely torturing myself with some meaningless things .

what can i do ? ><

i'm trying and trying to take it over , and deal with my mood swings recently .

it's sucks =x

well , after lesson , i'm just opening the computer , and move my photos lak , this lak that lak .

after that lunch outside with family , ah then go and see furniture somewhere near tesco .

kinda far to go there from my house , beh guai mummy dunwan go tesco , hahaha .

hmm , gotta choose dining chairs and a coffee table , ah , also a carpet .

at last , i also don't know the choosing is ON or not lol , xD

forgot time ! it's 3.20pm !

and i gotcha rush to as mall to watch The Spy Next Door at 3.30pm .

paiseii with my friends for waiting me there ><

btw , i'm tired and sleeepy , and was wearing a super big shirt today , look like didn't wear pants , some said that too , hahaha .

oopss , really didn't wear pants huh ? xD

the movie is funny !

hahaha , laugh everyone's head off xD

and i guess a quarter of them in the cinema , i can recognise =D

*lazy to describe ad*

lalala , i think we are going to be further and further =)

almost 6pm backed .

ah sun , hot hot x(

as i reached home , whole people gotta ... ki gong .

yyy ? not enough sleeep .

blur ~ but mummy keep on telling me to do this and that , since she said i looked veli pale today .

actually i'm going to take a nap , but failed .

pek chek ><

online duno wanna do what , SAJA ==

the best fake smile that i ever have x)

Y: to calm myself down , the best way is to scold , is to cry .

apology ...

my tears dropped tonight ......

just allow me to apologise again hao ma ?

i don't know ...

i don't know that yyy that day i'll have such reaction and ... i recalled it .

these few days i'm not either happiee , i'm keeping emo .

i'm wondering yyy i could be that , because that i cannot accept the changes ?

or even i don't wanna change ?

i really don't know .

dui bu qi .....

my heart feel so suan , since your words got into my eyes .

i don't know that i'll make you unhappiee .

i never ever thought too ...

perhaps i'm getting misunderstanding to you because ..

i still cannot totally accept the incident ba ?

原谅我心里无法真正接受,而选择了逃避 ~

i thought , i can .....

but at last , i'm failed too =(

今夜 我的的确确地 失去了那仅有的勇气

我的心酸了 倦了

我唯一勇气的来源 却似乎快被我弄丢了

告诉我 我不会失去 好吗?

唯一支撑着我的 还会继续不让我倒下吗？

告诉我 ... 我会被撑住 好不好？

我需要你的安慰 .....

但 你总在我最需要的时候 消失不见 ...

Y: dui bu qi .......

我带给了伤害 ...

solutions come naturally , it's SILENCE =D

i think ..

i shall know the solutions of these in my heart .

i think i know what should i do to handle or solve my questions .

^^

today yar , i'm so so so happiee to be with nMn .

hahaha , just because of sk no electricity supply , our tuition cancelled .

so .. LEPAK LAK !

hahaha !

did jor a lot of things of FIRST TIME between us ~~

definitely , i love you guys much more than i can say .

i always gain happiness here with you all =D

mee you fan nao , mee you gu lv , jiu zhe yang kai kai xin xin de . ^^

I LOVE YOU !! ^^

last night i got a nightmare , it's about losing some people that i care much much of .

but today , there is a proven fact of telling me that it is not true .

hahaha , although .. the dream seemed so real , and i was also afraid about that .

today's outing is the first outing of 2010 , and it's a superb sampat one .

cherish it yea xD

我好像慢慢失去了 前进的勇气

因为 我再也不是那个自信的自己

Y: solutions come naturally , it's to be ... SILENT . ^^

There is NO FOREVER :(

You should have realised it since the day you know him ,

that there is NO FOREVER between you and him .

everything is just temporary , just because of the time he met you , it's still fresh .

but , time is going on .

a day , 2 days , 3 days .......

Time will never ever stop at the prettiest moment FOR YOU .

Earth will never ever stop FOR YOU .

You should have awakened .

everything is getting colder and colder , farer and farer .

the freshness is disappeared in his heart , and everything can be ended , he have no concern about it either .

he just left the stupid's behind and go ahead , HAHAHA , what a clever action .

you're failed in keeping the freshness , accept that .

or can i just say , whatever you do , no matter how you treat him , the ending will be still the same .

believe me , just don't be so serious in that or care about anymore .

perhaps , just be the best STRANGERS in future , if you can do it .

perhaps , the relationship ends here , you will get relieved .

You can still keep on annoying or trying to regain something , but , the hurts after that , can you endure it ?

if you feel that the way is better for you , if you feel that get hurts is better than you don't do anything ......

then just go ahead .

but , i guess you won't be stupid anymore for the second time ? =)

what should you do now is , forget the cares .

trying to accept the truth , be positive more .

which way you gotta choose , you must be very clear .

don't hurt yourself anymore with such stupid small matters in other's heart .

it's not worthy , to stream your tears down on your face anymore .

p/s : it's not love affairs , stop guessing something that is NOT TRUE .

Y: I never believe that there is FOREVER existing =)

我怎么了？

说实话 ...

我真的不懂我到底怎么了。

现在有着怎样的心情？

不开心吗？

还是不舒服？

心不舒服？

没有吧 ......

如果有，那是为什么？

不要问我，我真的不知道我怎么了。

刚刚都还好好的，为什么突然变成这样？

因为那句话让我想太多？

我不知道 ......

只是一句话，我没什么理由那么在意吧？

我在意什么？

我疯了我，没吃药，想找吵架 >.<

最近的情绪总是反复不定，心情不上又不下。

还有喜欢想多多！

我讨厌这个！

>.<

可是我又控制不了，我还能怎样？

安全感？

定义好多。

有朋友的，情侣的，任何人的 ......

对我来说，人与人之间的相处，都应该拥有的。

安全感不一定是保护别人，更不规定只有女生需要。

安全感其实也可以是 .. 一种信赖让人觉得可靠？

对我来说，也有这个意思存在。

我 .. 是不是开始感到害怕失去了？

我不懂 ......

今天在学校，老师要我们写一篇JOURNAL。

因为它，让我想起好多回忆。

因为 .. 题目是 ..

"write about your feelings , thoughts , experiences , challenges , people you met from Form1 until Form4 . "

我也不懂为什么我真的把所有感觉都写出来了。

什么时候变得那么老实了？==

这也让我想起一些 .. 心中仍然放不下的一些事情。

至今，我依然找不到方法去放下它。

我的执著，却让我自己更痛苦。

一直以为，我可以潇洒的忘记，原来，我不行 ...

或许，2010，就是要学习忘记。

我改变了你想要我改变的改变。

结果？

我不是我自己了。

Y: 说了这么多还是一样，我根本不知道，我到底怎么了。

现实的条件 真心呢？

心空空的 静静的 冷冷的

不知道到底里边隐藏了什么呢？

=)

新的一年了 若你问我 有什么新的愿望

那我大概只会说 希望大家都开开心心的？

呵呵 很奇怪吧

其实 对我而言

2010 与以前差别只在于 ...

科目多了点

时间少了点

每天忙了点

按电话少一点

得努力多一点

生日快到了一点 xd

其他的 依然都还是一样的

朋友依旧在 你在 大家都在 一样都在我身边

我还是同样的拥有属于自己的生活

只是或许 圈子会变得大了一点

见的人事物多了一点

思想也成熟了一点 吧？

但要维持着一样的生活 是不是就这么简单？

人与人之间的关系 是否一定得附上“条件” 才算完整 ？

这个问题 我得到的答案 好多人给得了我

但是 直到如今 我仍然找不到属于我自己的答案

我无法否认 现实是残酷的

要是没有好的条件 没有人会看得起你 甚至可以说 看不见你

为了要符合别人的要求 各个都努力去争取别人想要的 条件

一切一切只为了得到更多瞩目和宠爱

只要你有条件 各个都会冲向你

否则 在别人眼中就失去了地位 失去了价值

这 就是现实

但 当别人看见了你的条件 他们 是否依然用这一颗真心去对待你

那似乎又变成了另外一回事

如果接近你的人 全是因为你的条件 并不是真心的去对待你

那是否还依然可以这么开心？

就因为你有条件 就不需要别人真诚的对待？

就因为你有条件 你不需要爱？

就因为你有条件 其他事物都是其次吗？

我的答案：不是。

对我来说 真诚地对待身边的每一个人 才是最重要

条件 似乎却是其次了

或许好多人会因为这样 骂我傻 说我笨

但 打从一开始 我就好讨厌尔虞我诈的生活

现实的社会却是如此 我懂

曾经 我打破了沉默 开口去阻止一些我不愿听到的 人家口中的 讨厌别人的话

他却破口骂了我 说我没用 还说任何人在我眼中永远都是好人 不懂分辨

我安静了

...

我并不是不懂他说的那些人干了什么好事

只是 我不想去讨厌 不想去干涉

讨厌一个人 好累 不是吗？

然而那些人干的好事 并不影响我 那为什么我非得干涉不可？

因此 我选择了沉默

“心美 所有事情都会是美的”

呵呵，曾经看过这么一句话 挺有意思的

我并不是不懂分辨 只是不想干涉 更不想自寻烦恼

我只想活得开心 =]

现实就是现实

在现实世界里 条件 始终是最重要

但 若少了一颗真心 那么一切都失去了其意义

Y: 好的条件 + 真诚的心 = PEACE ^^

New year , New Life x)

2010 !! I'm going to come over to you !

XD

HAPPIEE NEW YARR YARR YARR everyone !

hahaha , these few days were the happiest period in my sick holidays .

but then , i am almost recovered now !

yeaii yeaii , congratz to me , *clap clap* xD

oopss ... suddenly realise that .. i haven't eat my medicine =x

shhh , later first , finish here first .

hahaha .

***

the day day day before , actually gotta hang out to accompany a pig de lurr .

but nii , so SUI , fever on that day ==

kek sim ~

but then now i am almost fully recovered .

THANK GOD !

or else my school , my tuition , my book , my day ......................

arghhh ~~ i know i won't being treated so , heeeee .

***

fine , talk about my days from 31122009 .

it was the day i was going back to school for registration in form 4 .

it's great ! met my friends all ! have fun !

SOMEMORE , got a new girl joined us ! ^^

she came from langkawi and transferred to our school .

hmm , the details .. i'm not really sure , as i just knew her for several hours .

kakaka , anyway , she will be in our gang soon , i think .

*she will become more even sampat if she is in* oops , xD

forgot to say , we full gang ppl will be in the same class soon !

4AMAL GO ! hahaha .

but , shi jie ............... =(

she will be in the next class , ALONE without gang ones .

and the class was full of all the people that we HATE muchiee .

i'm sorry , i can't help you anything , just can say , GOOD LUCK =x

*i'll always run over to your class whenever there is no teacher XD*

hmm , actually i wanna buy books on that day .

but , u know what ?

after taking the list and tick the books i want , when i take my number ...

I AM THE NO.115 .

nvm , then ah bun asked her , "what number now?"

"NO.12."

==

what to say .................

speechless ~

so after that i just back home with the number cards .

hahaha .

damn zhadao ~

till now i have forgotten to back to school to buy back my NO.115 de books .

lol , chap her , kaka ! ^^

***

talk about night time .

it was still 31122009 .

i was going to countdown with my dearest friends in ah bun's house ! ^^

our way to countdown i was damn like it !!!

hahahahahah !

ekhem , first , they get a line .

next , they draw 2009 on a side and draw 2010 on the other side .

then when the time reached ....

"5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ....... " jump over the line and " happieee new yarrr !!!!! "

hahahahaha !

we hug each other too . ^^

it sounds stupid but it's fun , kakak .

after that ah bun's bro + ah pi + xiao kang zi went out and played mercun .

somehow they still get the matches and throw to my legs to scare me .

si guii ==

then also nothing special lur .

i backed at 1.30am ba ??

mana tau after that jie jie jio me go eat KFC .

dai lou , i just start to recover , treat me like that , so cruel T.T

still , we fetch ah ge also , go to the 24hours -KFC !!

hahahaha !

eeeee , i really don't wanna eat de , don't want de !

but , put in front of me , takan bu eat arhx ??

chap it niao , jiak le sin say !!

XD

finish then back .. a happiee day !

and , HAPPIEE NEW YARRRR ! ^^

***

01012010

today yar .. woke up late ~~ and late for my gathering .

hahaha .

because last night i was asleep at 4am++ i guess =x

but i got some happiee news through the phone .

the news is just for me in fact . ^^

and .. the night .. i don't know how could i have such .. "dreams" in my mind .

i was insane ><

hmm , back to my gathering .

it's happiee quite .

we went for roller skating , bowling ( din include me , i was late then xD ) , taking big head paste , chit chat .........

btw , i met alot of primary school friends there .

UNFORTUNATELY , they can recognise me , but me .......... errr ......

*sorry* because during primary school time , i was not close with them .

and their outlook changed too muchiee !

and some that i recognise ......

i dun wanna say already , i still know that I'M NOT TRANSPARENT .

whatever , i won't care .

hahaha , 6pm just went home , oh , so tired .

night time still went to alor star mall with family .

hohoho ~ the time i was going , i was sleeepy .

bought jor so many mam mam !!!

yesss ! shiok seii me and jie jie ! ^^

ah then just get my supper , and online ~~ till now =]

Y: this post makes me tired ~~ hahaha .

anyway , HAPPIEE NEW YARR 2010 !

a new year , a new life .

coutinue it , and get more memories .

mwahh ^^